High School

when I went through an exclassmate's list of friends on friendster, i found dozens of familiar faces. and as i went through the profiles...there was like an invisible song playing in my ear...a sad song..i never fit in. and today, i never care to join "the sekian sekian batch club" "the reunion"..i want nothing from the past. it's not like i was bullied or got beaten up with bruises or anything(excluding one fight I had with my classmate, a boy, in standard 5 maybe? i tell you, we really rolled on the grass fighting...but it was ended, later we exchanged hari raya cards with the same design, such a sweet boy..now i feel like i miss a fren) ok back to the point i never fit in. yes i never fit in. is it because i was being a nerd? i looked like 1 but i know what other kids do not know at that time. maybe i was too skinny. being too skinny get u ugly faster. and i know i was weird. maybe i still am. there were good memories from school of course. i love ALL my teachers. there was 1 or 2 that were being unreasonable. i disliked them.

well...i didnt dare to write these on my friendster blog. the minority are from my school. i dont mean to hurt their feelings later. i think they are now, mostly, building their road to success. most of them have changed, married...dork back then p.i.m.p now, glamorous seXiness..sap with that i dont know. I dont see any reason why i should go to any reunion/gathering/fast breaking (is this a correct term..i will make more mistake)..why?? so that i could sit and talk about absolutely nothing. I made some good friends back then. Only a few that I had connection with, that I would invite to my wedding if it happens someday, a few..that share the same stories with me..that really talked to me. I know by now, most of the ex schoolmates must have the thought that i;m a snob and stupid. it's not like that at all. do they really know me? how well do they know me in school? why are they trying so hard to create a 'community' a 'town' colonized by ex schoolmates...i seriously dont care. please dont get hurt if u read this. you're all fine. it's just me. i know i was a jerk in school, i dislike everyone (because i thought i could read their bad thoughts toward me..i might be wrong...but majority, i always believe that the hatred was true)
high school..no fun. the best was probably in '99... form2. the worst was '98 form 1. fuck u all.
form 4 and 5... why was i even there...yes spm. see..i always scared to make such statements..episode after episode. i wont be here now if i dont have my spm even tho it was not good at all. what i miss from school? writing essays BM and BI...and having being check by the teachers. awesome. now i know i cant write that well anymore. writing assignments dont nurture your creativeness. it's different. i miss my essays..the pureness...i wrote so well. it's true. now i'm a shit

and to my ex school/class mates (who were not REALLY my friend) I am sorry for what I had done in the past, for what i have just said...I am dearly sorry. Please forgive me. It is so much better this way. I guess love doesnt come between us. I dont even know u. I want to move on. Not because things are greater..but my present life is my teacher. The failures and mistakes in the past were 'suicides'.. the mistakes in the present are 'teachers'. I communicate better now, i respect and have faith in people. I make better good friends now. Being in the school 'ambience' really intoxicates me. now, I dont put out such statements targeting directly to anyone. it's very general. I am sorry. If i see you, I'll smile, if you happen to have such a deadly thirst right in front of my door, I wont let you die.. but for me..to even walk through that door of the so called reunion... i think we all can just forget about it. tell me..what do you think of me in high school? at some phase, yes I was evil. i didnt talk nicely. why? cause I never felt comfortable. it was UNNATURAL. that's what reunion is for me. didnt u have at least a little 0.001 % of a negative judgment towards me? I dont think i was ever accepted. Could be my own fault. I have made a decision now, and it's pretty much very clear. I could name my school friends in no time. There are very few.

sorry for having such a dysfunctional life. My prayers never eXclude you. I wish you all the best and I hope never to see you again. i feel a little guilty cause it sounds soo vain. but it comes from the heart really.

I can live like that.

lastly...being in that 'ambience' does take me down to 'ground zero' again. I have long forgotten school. so this is me. proud with the physical building of the school itself..and the energy-the teachers...but not the 'souls' who inhabited it

Detached

Probably it is now my reality. That was what i wanted. wow...i hope this is the last blog i'll ever have.. i have like 3 blogs on the community sites..a few more i created years ago...i just hope this is the last..i will nurture it.

I miss Mika!! I think i love him. I laugh, u laugh hell lot more cause nobody knows what i know..that everything i ever feel is just a crush. I wonder where Davey is right now... is he with Marta (i'm always curious)..or does he ever feel lonely everytime he's around Jade now? If certain people get what i mean. I should stop reading all the stuffs on the Internet regarding Mika. I'm so good when it comes to finding out about something I want to know so bad on the net. Probably not as good as before. Mika Mika Mika Mika!!! I love you love you love you. As silly as it sounds, the pattern is pretty much the same. Mika is not a gay...people say he is probably just because the way he dresses...and the way he acts...but i know tons of other good looking macho men who are GAY!! so the press can't simply say he's a gay..well he might be...cause if he is...he's just another pink lace on my list... i might be crazy.. but i dont believe it... it's so easy for me to fall for someone like that....so easy..i found out a little too late that Darren is married to a man, that Dave Koz (i never have a crush on him but I love Dave Koz) is a gay.. and ooh I love Freddie now..and that endless rumour over Davey's...and Leslie Cheung.. urgh..why...
I don't mind that they're gay..yes or no. really. I still love them. and suprisingly, they're excellent.

I am scheduled for the Citrawarna on this May 26th... the training will begin this monday for one week at Puncak Perdana.. i hope i will have fun..

i have laundry to do..banyak sangat bendela...baru baik demam nie. i felt like i could throw up yesterday...heading to shah alam..then went back to galaxy... swallowing coney dog with the pain in my stomach..and then feeling dying i forced myself to watch Sumolah at Galaxy's MBO. the movie was fine. it was 145 mins i think, it was good. yeah the movie's cute. Malaysians won't make it huge I'm sure but we need that kind of movie to make the industry more versatile and sporty. I don't think there's anything wrong with the movie. I dont think i need to give any further comments like I did to Jangan Pandang Belakang (hell yeah aku mmg tgh pandang belakang skang nie so what)

okayla...i wonder if i can get the laundry done tonight...ngantukla..japgi nak tgk tv3 ny minute kot...ciao ok.. good night lonely!